I don't know if I am just feeling sorry for myself or what is going on with me and my emotions lately. I have been awake now for almost 2 days....I'm tired and don't know who to talk to anymore. I know my husband is tired of listening to my depressing nature all the time, friends don't seem to have the time anymore and I am at a different point in my life than my family or friends right now and all I keep asking myself is why me??
Why did I have to lose so many great people in my life...why did so many bad things happen in my health where it seems I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore.....I am not use to being someone that feels like they are constantly feeling bad for themself. I use to have fantastic charisma and confidence. What happened to me...why am I feeling so many bad things when I am so lucky for what I do have? I have two brilliant and beautiful children...there are tons of people who can't even do that....I have a husband who strives to take care of us all the time, I have only a couple of friends but I can say they would do anything for me. Plus on top of that, I get to stay with my kids at home and enjoy every minute with them. I would like to say that its the hardest job in the world and not many people can handle it but my kids have turned out pretty good and they are such a blessing. But yet I am still plagued with with such emptiness lately and sorrow and its gotten to the point that I can't even cry...I have trouble being around other people or in public all together and I feel like I don't fit in at all anywhere.
I look back at photos of myself and continue to ask myself, what happened to me and why? It shouldn't be so unfeasable to be that person again if I want it bad enough. I don't even know where to start. I think a lot of it is not having any time for myself. With Dane's schedule I don't have any time away from the kids....even though I love my time with them....well I can't really tell anyone the last time I did anything without them. In march I got a hair cut and I think that was the last time I either did anything for myself and had any time away from them. I think maybe that is part of feeling overwhelmed. I don't even know what I want in life, what I want to do for a living or what I actually care about outside my surroundings and family anymore.
I don't know I guess I just needed to talk this out for now a little and I really don't have anyone else to talk to besides myself that understands. I should probably go see a dr if my emotions don't seem to pull together here soon. I just want to be happy again.
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