The Status of a "Name"

So I was thinking about names today....I'm not exactly sure why or how but I thought about it a bit and thought I would try to talk it out instead of just sit there and think about it......

When your born, your given a name...A Parent might choose a name with a spiritual meaning, a heritage name from a family member...but they give you a name.

We live our whole lives with our name, and for some reason your name gets associated with your personality and who you are or who your suppose to be....either way...in every day society, we are looked at for our name and it's used with everything you do.

People will remember a name and remember a specified thing...like Charles Manson, when you hear that name the first thing you remember and associate the name with is serial killer.
The actual facts of the behavior have been only associated with the name....you hear it, your first thought enters your head. Your name will either be remember by the way you lived your life and the things you did while you where alive or the other way people will always remember you by is maybe the way you have passed to the next life.

One thing I do know, is when someone close to you passes away..one important thing to you is that people will always remember that someone. And for some time you will do everything just to make sure that people that don't forget that person. That the name won't be forgotten. I carry the first name of my stillborn sister, the middle name of my uncle's first name. My daughter carries the first name of my mother and the middle name of my mother...she was born directly after my mom's passing. My son carries the middle name of my cousin James and my cousin Amanda carries my middle name after her father. It's not just about the title, you also want to carry on a legacy.

In all the people I have lost, known and looked up too, when naming my kids, it was indeed like that for me. But the passing of a loved one does seem to hold the most value if you looked up to them and thought they deserved the name to be carried on. In losing my mom, I wanted people to remember her for the wonderful soul she was. I want the same for my grandfather. But I soon realized people won't remember his/her name for that simply, but by the way they had passed away..and the life they lived, the people they were....and that is satisfying enough because their names will live forever in all those who knew them and those who didn't. They have become even more known after their passing for these facts. I think its one of my worst fears...I think some of us think about it as we live....will we be remembered for our strengths, for our passion, for the way we lived our life....will someone want to name another after us....or will we just be the name....

I don't want to be a name...I want the name to mean something.....if I could choose...strength, love, compassion, honor, a good heart, truth and knowledge.....

I choose not to be just a name.

My Family Disowned Me???

Just so you all get the immature and ridiculous nature of this post.....here is how it all went down and yes it did happen....I didn't think such a thing could happen but it did.....

Yesterday I had plans, first thing in the morning to go to one of my best friends childrens birthday parties. As I was preparing to get ready to go, I got a call from my Aunt who wanted to plan to come up to our house to see us. I didn't know how I was going to fit it all in but with my recent surgeries, I was going to have to miss a family gathering out of town because I am not well enough to go, where my family was also going to lay flowers down for my grandfather for memorial day. This was hard for me, because I wanted to go...emotionally and physically, I was devistated to have this recent surgery stop me from being able to go and see my papa and be with my family.

Anyway, It made me want to shorten my plans eagerly for them to be able to come up and see us and the kids, with the permission of my friend Kristi, who I had existing plans with. She was very understanding, knowing what I have been through and knowing I wouldn't be able to go this weekend to lay flowers down, she understood how bad I wanted to see my family before their departure.

Anyway, My Grandma, my aunt, uncle, and some of my grandmothers dearest friends were going to come up after visiting Chuchchansi and playing some card games, to allow me to attend the birthday party and have some time to clean up a little for their arrival. I was in the gold....I was so excited. Dane got off work early to go shopping for food....I cleared with my Aunt that they wouldn't be staying for dinner but they would be coming for a visit to see us and my grandma and her friends would be staying for dinner. We cleaned the whole house, make a great dinner, set up twinkle lights and had the kids all dressed and ready for their arrival.

I don't want to go into all the details, but to make a long story short...they never showed...none of them. I left several messages for my aunt, who claims she didn't get the calls or text messages, but on the contrary...that isn't the point in my eye. In my eye, I shouldn't of had to call anyone....it broke my heart and if none of them were coming....why didn't I receive a call.

I called my aunt, on my disappointment, as it was her I confirmed the plans with. I had a house full of food ready and my children jumping with excitement asking why no one came and, to tell you the God Honest truth, I was hurt...more than I had been in a long time. There have been many times of disappointment with friends or family, but this hurt a lot more than I expected.

For those who know me, I've lost my mom, my grandfather in a matter of two years, my Cousin Brittany who I raised and loved like a child of my own and a lot of friendships due to not having time to be out and about with them all the time. I am a stay at home mom and its tough getting out with two kids. On top of that, in the last two months, I have had two surgeries that have limited my availability to do a lot or see the ones I love. Its been hard. I can't get around so easy these days and so it starts to feel lonely, tiring and very very frustrating.

Maybe I shouldn't of called my aunt...I did go off on her voicemail. I didn't use foul language or say anything to the nature of "I don't love you" or "I never want to see you again". I addressed the pain I felt in being told that my family really wanted to see me and instead, they went out without me and what felt like.... well it felt like they forgot about me, or I just didn't matter that much. I felt little and I was upset. I told her that I didn't like that she didn't call me and I cried on her voicemail and told her it wasn't fair, I had went through a lot of trouble and that I didn't want to hear from her that night because I was too upset. She was like a mom to me once and I didn't understand but I wasn't happy with no one telling me they weren't coming....it wasn't the right thing to do as a family.

She called me and per my request, I didn't want that.....I wasn't ready to hear excuses or problems....it didn't matter to me at the time...what did matter was telling my kids no one showed and cleaning up the mess from dinner and sitting alone the rest of my night trying to deal with my own feelings (dispair, lonliness, and feeling like they didn't care about me). I needed time but she called. In her defense, she says she had never talked to me the way I talked to her....she's right. She tried to explain and I told her "I didn't care". It wasn't the nice thing to say but I didn't...it was honest. In my defense, she never got the chance to talk to me like that because I ALWAYS SHOWED UP.....my biggest pet peive in the world...making plans and taking someones day and then not following through.

Anyway, after all said and done...I received the most immature, disrespectful call I could of gotten from anyone, much less someone I considered a father to me....my uncle. He told me to "shut up" and listen he was talking....told me I was wrong to talk to my aunt that way and then he brought my kids into it for some odd reason....said he had done more for my kids than I have ever done for his....told me he wanted me to stay away from his kids, his family, his home and that he never wanted to see me again......I broke down, trying to tell him that this was ridiculous and out of bounds, that it was about not showing up and tried to explain what my conversation was with my Aunt....now realizing his was mislead on information.....

Either way, I don't care. I will stay away from them....I respect their decisions...I respected them once. I don't know what happened but I think it will be hard to forgive....how do you tell a family member something like that over dinner.....a dinner I made for them that they didn't come to....I might of been upset and said things I shouldn't of but I would of never....and I have never been talked to like that. I get we all go through things but what a terrible thing to do. I can't and won't say I am better off.....I won't be....but I won't put my kids in the middle of an adult situation where they feel someone can just disown them over something so petty and stupid. They have already lost too many people in their life....maybe I deserved it but they didn't. My family should have never said such a thing.

why is it we can't just call someone and say "I'm sorry".....that's it...leave it there....when we can be strong enough to do that...look where things end up. I know I might be partially responsible...I hold what I did to its standard....I shouldn't of called when I was upset. But on contrary, can one of you tell me, you wouldn't of felt the same?

I still would never disown someone.
Guess I'll just add their photos to the list of the people I've lost now.......
I don't have time to sulk.....I have two kids to raise...with or without their love and support.....I take pride in that even if it's all the family I have left!!!!

The Butcher Man!!!

What in the heck did this man do to me.....now just 2 month ago I had to have my Thyroid removed as I have been hyperthyroid for almost 5 years...as if that wasn't bad enough. On Friday, I got the worst pain in my side I have ever had. Thought it might be cramps because I knew I was suppose to start my period soon or maybe it was just gas. As the day went on and on, it got worse and worse. I didn't even think about my appendix, until I called a good friend of mine in the medical field, (thanks Shay), who coinsidentally was graduating from nursing school, which I was suppose to attend, and she told me to go to urgent care immediately. I did and within hours, I was at Clovis Community getting a catscan, where I was informed at 3am, they were going to do surgery at 8am to remove, my ready to rupture, appendix. I knew a lot of people who had had this but common now....!!! My friends and I in high school use to laugh all the time about luck, which I don't believe in anymore...but it just seemed anything that could go wrong with us, did....all the time. This is ridiculous. I sit here today, taking care of my kids, with a slit throat and a stomach that looks like someone took a baseball bat to me about 6 times. What did the butcher man do to me?

My sweet daughter, she will ask me where my belly button is and when I show her...oh the look on her face...."mommy, you have bad owwies" "yes baby I do" "I give it kisses mommy" She will grab my hips and kiss this disastrous mess..."mommy...it feels better?" "Yes baby, thank you".....

Then my Butt head of a son will come out...lol "mommy, put that away, I don't wanna see that...its yucky"

Guess you win some, guess you lose some!!